The Rev. David Beckmann of Anglican Church of the Redeemer – Chattanooga
As many of our church members are reaching their elder years, our Rector at Anglican Church of the Redeemer in Chattanooga recently decided it would be a good service to our church to offer a series of classes on death and dying. Having caregivers, lawyers, and chaplains in our congregation, the instruction was shared to provide a course on topics such as the theology of death, comforting the dying, funeral preparation, estate planning, etc.
I was asked to lead a discussion on handling grief over the loss of a loved one. By the end of the class, it was apparent that we were really talking about the basics of walking with God in any situation. After all, the loss of a loved one is just one more thing in our lives, common to everyone, in which the Lord promises to be with us and to aid us. Consider Paul’s words in I Corinthians 10:13: “No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it” (NKJV) – very comforting and encouraging words in a time of grief. Let me share a few of our thoughts.
I started out being sure that we understood that grief is not something unspiritual. When something really bad happens, it is not a saintly duty to “stay joyful,” as if a truly spiritual Christian never suffers from grief. The foremost proof is, of course, the fact that Jesus himself wept at the grave of Lazarus (John 11:35). St. Paul assumes that we will grieve at the loss of our loved ones. He writes: “But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope” (I Thess 4:13). That last phrase is actually where we, as Christians, do show a difference from others around us who grieve. As N. T. Wright says (somewhere), “…there are two sorts of grief, a hopeless grief, and a hopeful grief.” Our grief is mixed with the hope that we have been given in the redeeming and triumphant work of our Saviour.
Another error we must watch out for is the idea that death is a good thing – at least for a Christian – because he goes to be home with his Lord. People have concluded from this that we should not grieve when a believer dies. This is wrong. Death is a curse upon us because of Adam’s fall. It is not a good thing. Yes, for the Christian, because of what Jesus has done, we have the assurance that, when we die, we will be with the Lord, which is a better place to be than here (Philippians 1:21-23). But that does not make death itself a good thing. It is still a tragedy, and it is only fitting that we grieve over it, as with any other sad thing that may befall us.
An important issue in this discussion is the fearful question that arises, “How will I be able to bear the loss when it comes?” We look at how we feel in the present, and we just cannot imagine ourselves going through something like that. The answer is found in a lesson the Lord has bid many of us learn during a time of great grief: the value of living in the present, one day at a time. When a great loss comes, we can sometimes feel that just living through one more day is more than we can handle. Thus, we begin to take our days, one at a time, just to survive. But this is an important lesson, because trying to learn how to live in the present now may help when that season comes. His mercies are new every morning, and that is how we should receive them (Lamentations 3:22&23).
What is more, this lesson is so important because the present is the only time in which to experience God’s grace. You cannot experience today the grace that God gave you yesterday. And you cannot experience now the grace that God is going to give you tomorrow. That is why you do not feel that future grace today. You don’t have it yet. You are not in the future yet. “Take no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof” (Matthew 6:34). God is faithful. He is also eternal: he’s already there, with his arms ready to bear you up when the time comes. If we learn to live day-by-day in the present, abiding in our Lord’s love and grace, then, when any future event becomes our present experience – whatever it may be – we need only to keep doing what we’ve been doing for years. We just keep walking in God’s present, abundant grace: “And God is able to make all grace abound toward you, that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may have an abundance for every good work” (2 Cor. 9:8).
When tragedy hits our lives, we must especially hang onto the same thing Job held onto when he lost his children: the goodness of God. It was because Job would not give up on God’s goodness that he would not curse him. And it was because Job held to God’s goodness that he could say something like he said: “…the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord” (Job 1:21). Confident of God’s goodness, Job was able to live with an open hand. He recognized that all he had – including his loved ones – was from the Lord and still belonged to the Lord. Thus, he did not grasp his blessings as his own but held them in an open hand. The Giver has the right to take back what he has given, should he deem it wise and good to do so. Therefore, when the Lord took back what he had given, Job kept doing what he had been doing. He kept his hand open to the Lord, trusting in his goodness and that he knew what was best. Living with confidence in God’s goodness, holding all we have in an open hand before the Lord, will help us – like it helped Job – to not be resentful or bitter should the Lord see fit to take something or someone we love from us – for a season.
So, let us keep “looking unto Jesus, the author, and finisher of our faith, who for the joy before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God” (Hebrews 12:2). And as we do so daily, we will find him, who has gone before us, to also be with us through every sorrow, until the day we see him face to face, and all tears are wiped away forever.