Divine Love Turned My Mourning Into Joy
By Dee Merriman Noble
One of my first questions in my Catholic grief support group was “What should I do with all this love in my heart?” Several of the members in the group seemed surprised by my question and one answered, “Well, you just keep on loving him, just because he’s gone doesn’t mean the love goes away.” It was not that simple. I was devastated, hurting, alone, and seeking answers. Another grieving member was mad at God for taking her loved one. I wasn’t mad at God. I was mad at my husband for leaving. At the time, I had no idea that the “love in my heart” would be given to God and He would heal me by His Divine love.
Just weeks before, my kids and I lost a beloved husband and father. It was sudden, without warning, a sudden collapse while running on a trail in a nearby wooded park. The fall air was wonderful that day, cool and perfect for marathon training. But he never came home from that run. The park ranger told me that he was found face down on the trail just at the top of a hill. CPR was started by the ambulance crew, but he never responded and was pronounced dead soon after at a nearby hospital. All of this was happening while I was calling his cell phone and searching frantically for him. One of our kids was at the house and called to let me know that 2 police officers had arrived and for me to come home from my search immediately. My heart sank and I braced for the news.
We had a Catholic Funeral Mass for him at our Church. Even though I’m Anglican now, I must admit that the Catholic Church had a very meaningful service for my husband and family. As an Army veteran, he was buried at the National Cemetery in Canton. The procession to the cemetery was led by the Atlanta Police Department motor squad, as my husband had retired from the APD several years back. Thanksgiving and Christmas that year, seemed a blur. Our kids either returned back to college, working or married. Our youngest son, Matt was a junior in high school and was home.
The Catholic Church became my place of refuge. I attended every meeting in my grief support group, Sunday Mass, and also started attending daily Mass on some days if I was working from home. I began a deeper prayer life speaking to God and searching the Bible looking for God’s promises. Promises which sustained me during this difficult time. Promises such as Deuteronomy 31:8, “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged.” Another promise was from Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Knowing that God was present with me allowed me to sleep most nights and to wake up the next day and keep going. I searched for God and His love sustained me and gave me a place of refuge.
Fridays were the most difficult days for me. It was the beginning of the weekend and always a time that we spent time together as a couple and family. On my knees, I cried out to God for help on getting through Fridays and the weekends. He answered that cry for help the very next week. While reading that Sunday’s bulletin, I read of volunteer openings for perpetual Adoration in our chapel. One of the 1 hour times available which I immediately responded to was 3 o’clock pm on Fridays! Fridays at 3 o’clock pm was the Hour of Mercy, and I would spend it alone with our Lord. I spent the 3 o’clock hour with God in silence, praising Him, praying to Him, and learning to listen to Him. I learned Lectio Divina reading of the Bible. I prayed the Stations of the Cross, The Holy Rosary, and the Divine Mercy Chaplet. I describe this special time as when “Our Lord drew me to himself.” My 3 o’clock time with Him became known as my “Date with Jesus” and I would leave work early each Friday for my special date with our Lord. Such a Blessing to start my weekend off with God! God’s love for me provided a special time to get to know Him.
One of the deacons in our Church was also a runner and ran with a group in the same park and same hill where my husband last ran. Deacon John told me that when he ran up that hill, that he had a vision that my husband just “Kept on running up that hill, all the way to Heaven.” Deacon John gave that vision to me and my children and it has Blessed us to this day. God’s love for me placed special people in our lives.
It was Maundy Thursday of Holy Week and I was asked to come up for the “foot-washing.” As the priest started washing my feet, tears began falling down my face as I realized that it was Jesus doing the washing. At that moment, I heard “Do for others, what I have done for you.” I felt that Jesus had spoken to me directly. I knew at that moment that I would soon join the “Stephen Ministry” and begin preparation to walk one on one with others who are hurting. God’s love for me and my love for God led me to love others.
After months of preparation, I was commissioned a Stephen Minister 2 years after my husband’s death and little did I know that this ministry would actually make me whole again. My first care receiver was a widow with many similarities with my own personal experience. The other Stephen Ministers and priest worried it was too close to my own walk and I will admit it was very difficult at times. I prayed for strength and guidance prior to each meeting and walked one and one with another grieving person for months to come. God’s love for me and my love for God led me to journey with another hurting person and this in turn healed my hurt.
God was not done with me and soon a new chapter began in my faith and life. As I became more and more involved in the Catholic Church, questions began to emerge and I started searching for another path. The Anglican Church seemed like a good fit and I talked with an Anglican priest regarding a possible transition. The decision to possibly leave the Catholic Church was not an easy one and fellow parishioners questioned me with obvious disapproval. I prayed in the Adoration Chapel the next Friday and I was assured from the Lord that He was accepting of my decision. He told me to “Take what I’ve taught you and go forth.” God will never leave me nor forsake me.
I started dating a bit and felt extremely awkward (after 30 yrs). I admittedly was not very good at the modern dating scene. A few nice guys came along but things did not work out. I was just about to give up on the whole scene and become a nun, when a couple of Braves baseball tickets were given to me and I asked a nice man whom I dated a few times early on, if he would join me. He was a widower and said he would love to see me again. I remember the night well as it’s when I started to fall in love. God had healed us both so that we were able to love again. And he was Anglican! Providential! Robert and I were married in St. Andrew’s Anglican Church in Rome, Georgia. I was blessed with 2 additional “bonus children.” I remembered God’s promise “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
Interestingly, God’s plans for me in the Anglican Church paralleled my journey within the Catholic Church. The Anglican Church has become a refuge for me. I facilitate a women’s bible study group under the supervision of our priest, Austin Goggans. It was well received and continues to this day. Father Austin asked me about the Daughters of the Holy Cross and together we initiated the beginning of Daughter’s of the Holy Cross Chapter Formation at St. Andrew’s. In 2020, we formed the St. Monica’s Chapter and now have 6 members! As members, we take a vow with God and the Church, to live by the Daughter’s of the Holy Cross Rule of Life of Prayer, Service, Study, and Evangelism. The DHC taught me to read the Daily Office and have found this discipline to be a spiritual blessing. Our service projects usually help those forgotten in our community. I am blessed to journey life with many godly women. God’s love for me provides special people in my life and spiritual discipline to know and follow Him.
Father Austin formed a Galatians 6:2 Ministry of “Bearing one another’s burdens” which is very similar to the Stephen Ministry in that members journey one on one with those hurting. Under the supervision of a priest, I’m honored to have personally journeyed with two hurting women since joining the Anglican Church. To this day, this type of ministry is a “calling” for me. God’s love for me and my love for God gives me the desire, guidance, and strength to walk with others who are hurting. I reflect gratefully on the special Maundy Thursday foot washing, “Do for others, what I have done for you.”
It’s Friday, the clock chimed 3 o’clock, the Hour of Mercy, it’s time for my date with Jesus! In my heart I know that His Divine Love turned my mourning into joy!